Why green flags are just as important as red flags in a relationship

Romance & Dating

Oct 10

When I was younger, I was in a relationship that was flooded with red flags. Like a festival campsite, they blew in the breeze — huge, bold and unmissable ... to the trained eye, that is. Unfortunately, my eye was not trained. I was young, inexperienced and overjoyed to just be in a relationship, no matter how bad that relationship was. It wasn’t until the end when things became unbearable that I realized how many red flags I had missed. I ran out of pros to outweigh the cons, and I was left feeling like I had let myself down.

Following that relationship, I did a complete 180. Rather than turning a blind eye, I hunted red flags as if they were leading me to some sort of treasure. This manifested in disregarding most “situationships” before they had the chance to start, and eventually avoiding men altogether.

I refused to see any positives or good traits of the people I went on dates with and, in the process, forgot that the perfect partner does not exist. I had begun to mistake imperfections for red flags, worried that the slightest bit of compromise on my end may lead to the same heartbreak and pain of my previous relationship.

But there will always be compromise in any relationship. There will always be traits that you didn’t expect to love, and your partner may be very different from the person you had pictured for yourself. However, these differences and compromises do not all have to be red flags.

A red flag is a sign that this person may not be right for you, may not treat you as you deserve to be treated. Red flags can highlight learned behaviors that may be tolerable now, but in a few months or years could be extremely detrimental to your happiness. Snoring, height or questionable outfit choices are not red flags; however, checking your phone, controlling what you eat and who you see are bright red.

Once I realized that my focus had become fixated on potential problems, I started to wonder what it might be like to focus on the positives. What about green flags? Beacons of hope shining through the sea of red. Their purpose? To knock down the walls and defense mechanisms that the battle wounds of previous relationships may have built.

This realization could not have come at a better time. As I was readying myself to tentatively dip my toe in the pool of dating, the world was diving headfirst into a global pandemic. And really, the timing was perfect. It gave me time to address the issues that I had within, before addressing them with someone else.

I reflected on why my past relationships had left me feeling as though love was only for fairy tales. I started to define what green flags would look like for me and I became as familiar with these traits as I was with my long (long) list of red flags. I took responsibility for some of my shortcomings, for we ourselves can be responsible for waving a red flag or two, even if only in retaliation.

By October of last year — where COVID-19 rules in the U.K. meant that we could eat indoors in a group of six, so long as we were home by 10 p.m. — I met someone the old fashioned way. I quite literally bumped into him outside of a bar as the 10 p.m. curfew turfed us to the curb. A strange sort of fate brought us together: a bar I wasn’t supposed to go to, an umbrella he happened to have on him, my unusual concern about what the rain might do to my hair. But it was my determination to look not only for red flags, but green ones, too, that turned a chance meeting into a loving, honest and open relationship.

I’m sure my story is not abnormal. I’m sure that most of us learn about red flags before we are able to focus on green ones. And this is no bad thing, it is so important to know the warning signs of a relationship that is heading south. After the year we’ve had, however, I’m sure we could all do with a little bit of hope, focusing on the things we want to attract rather than the things we wish to avoid.

So, what have I learned of green flags in my relationship thus far? The first, and I believe most important, has been a good level of communication. For us, nothing is an argument, everything is a discussion. An open space where you can voice your concerns, desires and troubles. Previously, I had been scared to broach certain topics for fear of an argument that I couldn’t be bothered to have. Instead, I would brush my doubts under the carpet and take the easy way out. But communication with your partner should be easy because you should be playing on the same team.

Another green flag is if you can honestly say that it feels like yourself and your partner are playing on the same team, shooting at the same goal. Far too often in relationships it can quickly become a game of table tennis, racking up points against one another and saving your best moves for retaliation. Being on the same team is a huge green flag.

Something that I never really took the time to consider when I was younger (or until it was too late) were the traits that my partner brought out in me. This is often where concerns are raised by those closest to you — when they notice changes in your behaviour and your personality traits which don’t feel positive. It is a huge green flag if you feel as though you are thriving, being yourself and able to grow in your relationship. This goes hand in hand with how you feel about yourself. Do you feel beautiful, strong, powerful? Are you able to harness and treasure all the self-love that you hold for yourself, alongside a top-up from the love that you feel from your partner?

I love to ask couples I look up to the question “How did you know (insert the name of the love of their life) was the one?” And I often get the same answer: “I just knew.” I’ve always wondered where this knowledge comes from. Is that response not just something we hear in films?

But maybe this sense of “knowing” is from an excess of green flags. They are so much easier to spot than red flags because they are loud and full of love. They are impossible to deny because you don’t want to deny them. Why would you? Bring on the green! Red flags, however, are far easier to deny because we don’t want to admit that they are true.

So, open your eyes to both sets of flags, as their only purpose is to protect you and guide you. And though these signals are accessible to all of us, know that you are the one who defines your signals. This is where knowing what you want is so important, because you already know what to look out for.

Here’s a short list of some of my essential green flags — perhaps you could make your own to make sure that your current partner, future partner or fleeting fling treats you exactly as you deserve and wish to be treated:

Communication!
They support my dreams.
They hold me accountable for my words and actions.
We’re playing on the same team.
Nothing is off-limits (I can share my wildest fantasies, desires and dreams — they listen with open ears, judgement free).
We laugh together.
I miss them when they are gone.
I feel safe.

Header photo by (Git Stephen Gitau / Pexels)