Creating boundaries — from a people-pleaser’s perspective

Representation

Sep 23

I am a people-pleaser. Sure, people-pleasers are often kind, but many consider them subservient and maybe even fake. I can’t tell you how many times some of my well-meaning friends would tell me to stick up for myself or to not be so afraid of sharing my opinion. And it’s not like I don’t want to do those things. In fact, I’ve improved a lot over the years and have learned to be a bit more assertive. But of course, I still have a lot to learn.

Over the years, I’ve learned there are certain risks you take when being yourself. Many people who find themselves being more shy and submissive are usually just afraid to come off as rude or selfish. There’s an even bigger risk when people are used to you being subservient. If you suddenly shift from submissive to assertive, people around you might react poorly. They might call you selfish the minute you set a boundary for yourself, and that’s scary. Even if you aren’t a people-pleaser, it’s still scary because no one wants to be called selfish and put a relationship at risk. But here’s something you should know, something I will reiterate time and time again: If someone disrespects you after expressing your opinion or setting an important boundary for yourself, that relationship with that person isn't worth it. Of course, that is easier said than done.

Now, if you do not think of yourself as a people-pleaser, don’t worry. This article is still for you. Regardless of personality type and communication style, I think everyone can always learn how to set boundaries to be the best advocate for themselves. But if you, like me, recognize the lengths you go to just not cause any trouble, know you’re not alone.

The benefits of boundaries

So, setting boundaries — not just necessary in romantic relationships, but also familial and platonic ones. You’re placing yourself as a priority, something people-pleasers are not used to. When you have little to no boundaries, it sort of leads to a loss of identity. You don’t know who you are if you’re constantly saying “yes” and trying to seek approval. And you might even develop resentment toward others after doing countless, selfless deeds. But once you do place yourself as a priority, it feels amazing. You suddenly feel more like yourself once you articulate what you want and need.

When you hear the word “boundary,” it can feel intimidating and rigid. The word itself implies there is no flexibility to be had, but it can be quite the opposite — you can always reassess your boundaries. As people, we are constantly changing, so naturally those boundaries can change as well. You shouldn’t worry whether you can stick to a boundary you’ve set years ago. If you’re comfortable enough, you can choose to bend those boundaries, set them back or set them forward. It’s all up to you, as long as others respect your decisions.

Discussing your boundaries with your friends and family can help you be more vulnerable. It is pretty much guaranteed that shared vulnerability brings people closer together. Vulnerability, as Brené Brown once said, “is the core of shame and fear, but it is also the birthplace of joy, happiness, creativity, belonging and love.” In other words, it’s being true to yourself. It’s revealing some of the parts you were afraid to share. Shared vulnerability can be found in something simple, like expressing to a friend how a misguided joke hurt you. If they respond well, they’ll understand and maybe express some of their truths to you. Simply having a conversation about boundaries can open up a relationship on a deeper level.

Practice self-care

If you get to a point where something is bothering you, don’t let it fester. Take this time to be introspective. Know what you want, what you’re willing to tolerate, what you’re willing to not tolerate. This, of course, can be hard, especially if part of what you want is “to be a good person” or “to not upset others.” Try to set those kinds of thoughts aside, and think about you. What does your gut instinct say? What would most benefit you and your mental health? What makes you feel good?

This could take a while, and that’s okay. Something I like to do is write it down. So, write for yourself what’s been bothering you and how it might be fixed. Write down what you like and dislike. Sometimes just seeing everything on the page can help put everything into perspective.

And remember to take care of yourself before, during and after setting boundaries. Self-care is necessary for a healthy life, and if you’re too stressed and overworked, it's a sign that something should change. Self-care can also help you separate yourself from others, helping you to place yourself as a priority.

Be direct & assertive

Let’s get one thing out of the way: being assertive is not being aggressive. When you’re assertive, you should be firm, but not rude. You can still be kind. Just try to refrain from apologizing. Additionally, as a people-pleaser, you might be inclined to say a lot of qualifiers and prepositional phrases to distract from the real topic at hand. You have to be direct. Your message will not get across if you choose to be indirect. Another way of thinking about it is keeping your statements simple.

Now, this will come with time, but also believe in yourself! Others are inclined to listen if you have the confidence. What may help boost that confidence is practicing positive self-talk. Name some things that you admire about yourself, even if it’s difficult — saying it out loud and hearing those affirmations repeatedly could be the boost you need.

And when it comes to setting boundaries, it doesn’t have to be daunting. You can always start with smaller things and work your way up. For example, you can say “No, thank you” when offered a drink. Something as small as saying no to a beverage can help build that confidence slowly but surely.

Worst-case scenario

You did it. You tried to set a boundary with someone you cared about and it didn’t go as planned. Maybe they tried talking you out of it, or they outright called you names. Your greatest fears were realized, and now you’re at a loss. What do you do now?

Well, first, don’t give up. If the worst happens, don’t use it as an excuse to not try again. Be proud. You stood for yourself. You voiced your thoughts. You chose to be vulnerable and tried to establish a real connection. That’s something you should never feel ashamed about. The act of creating boundaries shows real progress.

But what about your relationship? Well, that conversation gave you some critical information. Whenever you set boundaries, it can reveal the true nature of that relationship. This may hurt to hear, but if someone was unwilling to accept your needs, it means that something has to change. That change can be going to therapy together, spending less time together or simply going on your separate ways. If it has to resort to leaving each other behind, just know it’s going to be a process. Cutting people off, even if they are truly toxic toward you, can be difficult. But the outcome could bring you much more happiness in the long run.

What does this mean for other relationships, the current and the future? Well, of course, you may not have completely changed, but you do know that you are capable of change. You know that if another problem arises, and boundaries must be set, you can and will be able to do so. It can still be difficult, but it’s better to have an uncomfortable conversation rather than begrudgingly settle. Remember your accomplishments, the little victories you had, and continue to practice self-love.

The term “people-pleaser” sounds like a final label, something that you can’t change, something that you accept as “just the way you are.” But, trust me, it’s not forever. I’ve been slowly getting out of those people-pleasing habits, and you can, too. People-pleasing is a behavior, not an identity. You aren’t a bad person for people-pleasing. It’s just important you take care of yourself, too.