Struggling with imposter syndrome as a college student

School

Sep 28

It is honestly very hard for me to remember a single moment in my college life where I have felt fully confident in my academic ability and talent. During my freshman year, I constantly felt anxious. Although I always tried to sit in the front rows of my classes, I rarely spoke out loud. Whenever I had questions, I would risk getting the answer wrong rather than embarrassing myself by asking for help. My former roommate, who shared this struggle with me, and I spent many nights crying because we both believed that we were not smart enough to achieve our goals.

If I am being honest, my struggles with my mental health can sometimes make existing feel like a heavy burden to me. At some points in my college career, I found it very difficult to find the motivation to even get out of bed. Seeing my friends successfully juggle all of their responsibilities makes me wonder if I am doing enough. Because of this, I sometimes push myself beyond my limits so that I can feel as though I’m fitting in.

My confidence began to decrease as I questioned why I had been accepted as a student in the first place. Although my parents tried to convince me that both my academic achievements and extracurriculars made me a more than deserving applicant, I often felt as though I had been accepted merely to fill the race quota.

One key factor that motivated me to attend my university was the high level of diversity that it claimed to have. Photos of students from all racial backgrounds were plastered on the university’s website and at all the informational events I attended. As a military child, this aspect definitely appealed to me. Since I am accustomed to living within environments filled with people who are different from me, I felt that this would be a good fit.

My school made it seem like diversity was something that was always present on campus. New students were told that they would instantly be able to find a home no matter where they came from. However, I soon learned that this was something I had to actively seek out for myself.

Organizations like the Black Student Union and Alliance for Black Women allowed me to interact with more students of color. Although it is always difficult to make new friends, I have been able to meet some of the kindest people through these opportunities.

When I first heard the term “imposter syndrome” in high school, I immediately knew that I struggled with that issue. Although I have been a high-achieving student my entire life, I have trouble accepting the fact that my own accomplishments can actually be impressive. Whenever my parents, professors or friends compliment me on my achievements, I tend to reject their praise and become extremely self-deprecating. Since I am not comfortable with accepting my own value, I knock myself down before anyone else can.

One of my biggest fears in life is being considered incompetent. I have always been known as “the smart one” by my friends and family and was terrified of losing that label. I can actually count the number of B’s that I have received throughout my entire academic career. I don’t say this to brag but to highlight the obsession that I have with appearing as perfect as possible.

I find it very difficult to confide in my professors whenever I need help. To this day, I have never asked for an extension on an assignment, even during periods where my mental health was in a critical state. Previously, if any of them ever asked how I was handling everything, I would lie and act as though everything was going well. It would crush me if people thought that I was incapable of keeping up with my classmates.

Although it does make me feel comforted to know that others struggle with this issue as well, I do wish that it was publicly discussed more. Many people struggle in silence because it can be embarrassing to share such a raw part of your soul with others. They may also run the risk of their feelings being invalidated.

I would be lying if I said that I do not struggle with imposter syndrome anymore. However, I do believe that I am getting better at managing it. My mother always reminds me to write down a list of all my successes so that I have a visual record of all my accomplishments so far. Whenever he gets the chance, my father encourages me to change the way that I speak to myself. His tip for me is to recite positive affirmations out loud in the mirror so that I can be reminded that my life has meaning.

Although I do not consistently follow these tips, I do notice an improvement in my self-image whenever I do so. Most of my imposter syndrome is rooted in my fear of the future. I worry about what people will think of me if they realize that I am not as smart as they imagined. I dread leaving college and entering the workforce because I don’t know if I will be able to be successful. I constantly fear that I am not good enough for opportunities that may come my way.

Part of trying to overcome this fear involves being honest with myself and those around me. Within the next few weeks, I plan on virtually meeting with one of my professors and explaining that I have no concept of what I want to do with my life. Although it makes me nervous, I know that I need to ask for help because if I don’t, I’ll just continue to feel lost and alone.

However, my closest friends and family constantly remind me that in the end, I truly deserve every opportunity that has been given to me. I should give myself credit for all the hard work I did to be in the position that I’m in today. One day, I will be able to show myself the love that I deserve.